How to fix a loving relationship when it turned bad?

Today, I was feeling to give up tech subjects and goes with some notes I did about emotional intelligence. As you guessed from the title, we are going to talk about relationship between men and woman. Sometime, it feels that your relationship is getting harder and harder. You and you partner are incapable of speaking to each other. It looks like a never ending loop.

Today’s content is very much linked with the book of Daniel Goleman.

First, we should go back to the childhood and how we are educated. Then we are going to talk about the relationship between men and woman. Finally, we will explore the solution.

Education

Before we started, I would like to make it clear. I don’t like to put people in box and everybody must be the same. So, let’s assume that I am going to refer to the majority of the person with some shades.

Girls and Boys

Girls are educated to talk about their emotions. They are specialised to decrypt any verbal or non-verbal signals and to express their feelings. They belong to a network of relationship.

Meanwhile boys must be tough and independent. They tend to minimise any emotion linked to some weakness such as vulnerability, guilt, fear and sadness.

Just have a look at school playground and observe !

Couple

We are now adults. We are going to explore our differences as men and woman.

Men vs Woman

What seems to be essentials in a relationship :

• woman -> communication
• men -> do activities together

Men see their relationship (sex, finance, life…) in a more optimist way than woman. They see the state of the relationship more “rose” than the woman.

What behaviours matter the most ?

The way the spouses discuss sensibles questions are crucials for a couple. In a relationship (in life in general), somebody with emotional intelligence speaks with confidence without aggressiveness and passiveness.

Attasks and defences

However, the personal blame, in particular if it is followed by a “general attack” against the spouse will provocate a defensive reaction.

NOTE: More dose of contempt there is, more destructive it will be. Plus, you may also add the facial movement that goes with contempt and disgust!

For the spouse, it’s a permanent condemnation. He/She has only two options:

1. Flee aka Silence
2. Fight with a sterile counteroffencive

After a while, painful thoughts become automatic and self-reinforcing. As a result, any act of kindness which can challenge his/her ways of seeing things is minimized or ignored. A good intention is badly read.

What does it mean for men and woman ?

Men are looking to avoid emotional related conflicts with as much enthusiasm as women want to provocate them.

Women make critisms easily. Men act like a wall of silence!

What can you do ?

Both parties need to learn to calm down. The book from Daniel Goleman gives clues to achieve that.

Men

Men should:

• stop avoiding conflict
• be mindful and in empathy with his feelings

Women

Woman should:

• avoid personal criticism and contempt
• share her in a larger context
• share her love

Both

Be careful while arguing! You should:

• stick to the topic of the conversation
• show empathy
• reduce the tension

Conclusion

This was notes taken while reading the book about Emotional Intelligence. I hope you find it useful and take care!

Reference

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman.